Get Lost in the Wilderness
A Mid-life Initiation
“Midway upon the journey of our life,
I found myself within a forest dark,
For the straightforward pathway had been lost.”
--Dante Alighieri’s Inferno
My era of being lost in the wilderness began with the most ridiculous instance.
My friend and I hiked six miles up a mountain to an alpine lake and set up camp. I headed into the trees to gather wood for a fire. My loyal dog, Codee, by my side. I walked about picking up sticks without paying much attention to my surroundings. After about ten minutes, I looked up and realized that I didn’t know how to get back to camp. I looked to my dog, a collie--a breed well known for having a great sense of direction--and asked her to show me the way but (I would learn during this era) Codee could only show me the way back if I turned around to go back. Since I had been wandering in circles, I wasn’t even sure which direction I originated from.
Quickly, the panic set in. I called out my friend’s name in hopes that she would hear me and call back so I could relocate camp. But the wind was too strong for my voice to be heard over it. My heart pounded in my chest. My stomach churned. I began to imagine the scenario in which a search party would have to be sent for me. How long before I was found? My ears burned. I wanted to puke.
But somehow, I had the gumption to slow the panic long enough to look around. Up above was the mountain peak. Relief settled in. If I walk toward the peak, I will walk near the lake and find camp. That’s exactly what I did, soon coming out of the forest (I wasn’t very deep after all) seeing the lake, and figuring out where to go. I admonished myself for being so stupid. I was so close to camp, all I had to do in the first place was simply look up.
The Pathless Path
Little did I know that this small event would set off a series of events in which I got lost in the wilderness. The panic of being lost echoed in my rib cage and settled in my lungs. It became a fear of mine that I would have to relive until my initiation was over.
Kim Krans from Wild Unknown in her Archetypes deck writes, “Such is the magic of The Forest. It requires first that you enter it, and then that you get lost within it. You may think there is a path to lead you straight through, but soon enough you’ll be on what is known as the pathless path…You’re on an adventure now and there’s no turning back, so embrace the dim light and moving shadows. Whether literal or imaginal—brave the forest and get lost getting found.”
The Start of My Mid-Life Initiation
A few months later, I would turn 45 years old. The friend I was backpacking with would betray my trust, causing an end to my business of ten years, as I decided to let it go instead of pursuing it through a pandemic that had recently begun. I was unknowingly entering perimenopause. I recently needed farsighted glasses for the first time in my life. Within the year I was diagnosed with ADHD. I had entered midlife.
That moment in the forest was the threshold marker for the path ahead that included ego death after ego death as I let go of my dreams, ambitions, hustle and all the other trappings that I created for external validation. Though I would come out of the forest eventually, I had many trials ahead to get through.
Midlife was the inner core of my initiation, but the wilderness was the outer landscape. I had to get lost to emerge as my new self.
Get Lost to Get Found
The next time I was lost was in the Nambe Badlands when I decided, on my way home from a few days on spiritual retreat (when one is most ungrounded), that I would wing it without a map. I made a wrong turn as I entered the canyon and after a mile or so, I realized that landmarks were all foreign to me. Codee was with me, but my instinct was not to turn around and retrace my steps; I thought for sure I could find a faster way out. But when I turned on my phone to find a map, I realized that my battery was almost dead. The familiar feelings of panic from being lost arose in me, as if easier to access because I already knew them. Memories of that time in the forest a year prior quickly resurfaced. When I looked around, everything looked the same—miles of desert and tall rock formation ridges with more ridges beyond. I berated myself for getting lost once again. Feelings of destitution overwhelmed me. I called Eric with the last bit of juice on my phone. If I’m not home by dark, come find me, I told him.
Eventually, I fought through the short breaths and tightening chest of panic and convinced myself to turn around. I had walked a long way out and it would be a long way back, but it was the only way. As soon as my direction rotated, Codee took over and guided me back to where I made the wrong turn. As I waded tired through the desert, hopefully toward my car, I cried tears of frustration and overwhelm. I prayed to be found and relieved of my travails. When the car came into sight, more tears came, this time of gratitude.
The Long Journey
Though I knew at this time in my life that I was going through a transition, I did not fully understand what was happening. I couldn’t see the forest for the trees (pun intended). I had already lost many of my old friends and moved from my house in town to one off grid and remote. My daughter started high school. My interests became less about career goals and partying and more spiritually based; I spent long hours meditating, practicing energy work and yoga. I was amid losing my old self, but it would be a long while before I came out of the woods.
Clarissa Pinkola Estés writes in Women Who Run With the Wolves “It is worse to stay where one does not belong at all than to wander about lost for a while and looking for the psychic and soulful kinship one requires. It is never a mistake to search for what one requires. Never.” Midlife is a time when we are releasing our old selves in search of who we are becoming. We are recovering intuition, voice, desire, and buried identity. But we must get lost to be found. And though it is scary, it is necessary and worthwhile. Getting lost in the wilderness is a metaphor for leaving an outdated identity behind so someone wiser, more grounded, balanced and authentic can emerge, but for me, it was more than a metaphor.
Rites of Passage
A year later, I understood that I needed a purposeful wilderness initiation or the Universe would keep throwing me into uncomfortable situations whether I wanted it or not. I decided to do vision fast through the School of Lost Borders. John Davis, PhD writes on the website’s blog, “Across time and in countless ways, people of many cultures have gone into the wilderness to mark life transitions and seek guidance. They sought closeness with God, the Mystery, or a higher self...The core of the form was clear: leaving the ordinary world, crossing a threshold, and returning with a gift and a task… In general, people seek wilderness rites of passage in times of significant life transition or to complete life transitions begun earlier but not completed… These practices facilitate ego-transcendence and an opening to spirit. In doing so, they also bring healing and renewed connections with lost or abandoned capacities for guidance, vitality, and joy.”
The vision fast took place in the Colorado wilderness and was highly formatted with a group and guides, including multiple councils and setting a strong intention. Part of the process was to go out into the forest the day before and locate where your camp would be for the three-day wilderness fast. I had looked at a map ahead of time and had an idea of where I wanted to go but quickly ended up walking in a different direction.
I was carrying a gallon of water with the intention of leaving it behind at my spot. I ended up travelling much farther than intended and decided to circle back along the valley floor looking for someplace closer to base camp. No place I passed seemed like a satisfactory location for me to set up camp. So, I kept walking. But after a couple of hours, nearing the time of our expected return, still carrying the water, I realized that I had no idea where I was.
I looked around for landmarks and although I recognized them, I still wasn’t sure which direction I needed to head to return. My path evaporated. Once again, panic, my old friend, set in. I was sure I would die amongst the trees, lost forever. Codee was not with me this time. There was no retracing my steps. I circled in place, crying with physical and emotional exhaustion. How could I have done this again!
I decided to try something different this time. I sat down and did my best to calm myself. I took deep breaths. I rested in the mystery. I listened to the birds and felt the ground solid beneath me.
A few minutes later, I spotted a length of spine perched on a log and recognized it as something I had seen before close to base camp. I was found! Relief showered over me. Later, I found a campsite close by, imperfect but it would do. I spent three terrifying, inspiring, challenging and transformative days fasting in the woods
Rest in the Mystery
Each time I got lost in the wilderness was an initiation, whether I realized it or not. Each time, I was ready to be found again in my life. Never an easy initiation but each time I learned to let go of the fear just a little bit faster and return to my true, calm and centered self.
That was three years ago and the last time that I was lost in the wilderness. Since then, I use maps and a GPS tracker and make a conscientious effort to turn around and see where I came from, especially where trails split. I no longer wing it. I pay attention as I move along the path, noticing where I am at each turn. Most importantly, I don’t panic. If I am disoriented, I collect myself and retrace my steps. Yes, this is because I am more grounded now. I know who I am and I trust myself. I still am not sure where I am going, but it’s okay. I am comfortable in the mystery, and I know I will find my way eventually when the timing is right.